Half Agony, Half Hope

“Seriously?!” Jamie yelled as she fidgeted with her keys.

“Seriously, William?! Just go away…” She scoffed , until I walked away from her doorstep and into my car.

She disappeared behind the door of her apartment, as I composed myself in the driver’s seat of my car, gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white.

“Dammit!” I breathed angrily.

This had been the second time that Jamie had given me a chance at being her boyfriend. As usual, I fucked it up. After our first break-up, I begged her to give me another chance for months. I promised her that this time around things were going to be different, that I was going to make her a priority and work on the bad habits that had pulled us apart before.

The worst part is that I meant it with every fiber of my being. All I wanted was to make her smile again, to hold her, to kiss her, to wake up next to her on Sundays.

See, Jamie is the kind of girl that a guy like me would never in a million years get a chance with, but by some blip in the universe, I got one! She is so smart, witty, and God she always looks so damn pretty!

Every time she would walk toward me in one of those cute little dresses she wears, my heart would turn to mush .

Her smile could beat the sun and her kisses could eradicate world hunger.

Oh, and let’s not forget her heart. It is just so beautiful and kind. It has to be, to have put up with me for all this time and still love me the way she does. To love me and hold me, and understand that I’m just a human being–or just the greatest idiot and coward that ever lived.

But there’s moments like these, after a big, pointless, stupid fight…. after she’s asked me for the millionth time in the best way possible to simply make her a priority…because she deserves it… because it is what’s right. Because dammit, that’s what a woman like Jamie deserves in her life! It is moments like these, when she disappears behind the shield of her apartment, that I see it all so clear.

Behind that door, Jamie’s pure heart is breaking again, sore, all because I can’t get it together and be the man she deserves.

I sit in the car thinking: “Goddammit, William! Put yourself together, grow a pair, knock on that door until she answers, and tell her that you love her, you idiot!”

I listen to that voice, that wise part of me that has the simple answer. I grab my phone and put it inside my pocket. I turn off the car, “I’m going to do this!”

Then, I look up and see her bedroom light turn off. I imagine Jamie, her sweet face, her soft waves cascading behind her, her old pajama shirt caressing her skin as she slides into her bed…

And I realize, “I’m not that man yet…”

I take the phone out of my pocket, switch the key back on in the ignition, and drive away.

◊◊

Nine Months Later

P.S.

Dear Jamie,

I still love you. Every night I dream and think about you. I’ve looked for you in every single person who has walked into my life for the past nine months, but none of them scratch the surface. My life has gone on and I have grown, as I’m sure yours has too. But, the truth is, Jamie, that it’s not really much of a life without you in it. It’s just motions. It’s just survival.

I still love you…

-William